Friday Joke - February

lowmiler88

Site Supporter
Feb 22, 2008
2,132
1,162
113
30
DISNEYLAND

Two Newfies were going to Disneyland.They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two Newfies were sitting on a bench talking and one says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away.Florida or the moon?'


The other turns and says, “ That's easy. Can you see Florida ?????'

CAR
TROUBLE

A Newfie pushes his BMW into a gas station. He tells the mechanic it died.
After the mechanic works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The Newfie says, 'What's the story?'
The mechanic replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor.'
The Newfie asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a Newfie for speeding and asks him if he could see his license.

He replies in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A Newfie goes into the doctor's office and said that his body hurts wherever he touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The Newfie took his finger, pushed on his left shoulder and screamed. Then he pushed his elbow and screamed even more.
He pushed his knee and screamed; then he pushed his ankle and screamed. Everywhere he touched made him scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not from Ontario are you?
“No,” he said, 'I'm from St. John's''
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

IN A VACUUM

A Newfie was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.... It was his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature.
His question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' He thought for a time and
then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE NEWFIE JOKE TO END A LL NEWFIE JOKES!

A guy was visiting his Newfie friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked him what their names were.
The Newfie replied that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
His friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' “Easy,” answered the Newfie , 'They're watch dogs'!
...AND FOR GOOD MEASURE- ONE MORE NEWFIE JOKE

A policeman pulls over a Newfie, in Manitoba for speeding. While he’s writing out the ticket, a fly was bothering the Cop. The Newfie says, “That’s a circle fly, sir.” The policeman asks, “What’s a circle fly?” The Newfie says, “Them are the flies you find in the barn around a horse’s arse.” The policeman says, “Are you calling me a horse’s arse?” “Oh, no, sir. I would never say a thing like that, but you can't fool them flies,sir.”
 
A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

A drunk staggered down to hotel reception and demanded a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist was forced to call the manager.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the manager.
"I want another room," said the drunk.
"But I see you're in room 341. That's one of the best rooms in the hotel Sir."
"I don't care. I want another room."
"Very well sir. If you're adamant, we can move you from 341 to 362. But would you mind telling me what you don't like about your room?"
"Well..." said the drunk, "for starters....it's on fire...."
 
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000."
The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."
 
  • Like
Reactions: chica123
Best joke of all on this Friday:

1st person: wanna work in transportation:
2nd person: OK...sure.
1st person: Don't!

no punchline.....just been one of those Friday's! LOL

I laughed pretty hard at that. We were just joking in the office this week about how Albert will never bring his kids to work because he wants to keep them 'out' of transportation...

That being said, I've worked in other industries prior to this one and I must say while I earn more grey hair daily here... It's awfully challenging and therefore rewarding to work in transportation, let the Friday afternoon miracles commence!!

Keep well,
Mike
 
  • Like
Reactions: chica123
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?" The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside!"
 
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won !!
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won that race too.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another races.

The next day the local paper headline read:
"BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS".


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!

The Bishop fainted ....

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey as soon as possible. So she sold it to a local farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

"NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10".

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey, and take it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .. . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
 
  • Like
Reactions: chica123 and Rob
A car was pulled over by a highway officer for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket - he noticed several machetes in the car. “What are those for?” he asked suspiciously.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”
“Really??? Well show me...” the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God!!!!...I’ve got to give up drinking...look at the test they’re giving now....”

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss causing a huge scene. The mother said quietly, “Now Monica...we just have half of the aisles left to go through – don’t be upset...it won’t be long now.”

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any...she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”

When they got to the checkout - the little girl immediately began to stretch trying to reach for gum - bursting into a terrible tantrum when she couldn't get at it. The mother said serenely, “Monica...we’ll be through this check out in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began. "Wow...good for you to keep your cool...". The mother replied...“I’m Monica – my little girl’s name is Tammy...."
 
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."