Friday Joke - September

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

There was this group of old ladies who met at a club every weekend to play bridge.

Half way through the game, One lady Elsa exclaimed, "Oh no! I am late. I have to get back home & prepare dinner for my husband, Gilbert. If I do not reach home before he is back from work, all hell will break lose!

When Elsa reached home, she realized there was only a loaf of bread and two eggs in the kitchen. Since there was no time to go to the store to buy stuff, she searched the cupboard and found a can of cat-food. As she could not think of anything else, she made some sandwiches with the egg and the cat-food just as Gilbert entered the door.

She watched in disgust as Gilbert wolfed down the sandwich. Expecting to be reprimanded, she was surprised when Gilbert announced that this was the best sandwich she had ever made for him and that she should make it more often.

So Elsa made her husband the cat-food sandwich every time she went out with the old gals to play bridge. When she told her bridge mates about it, they were shocked! One of them said, "But he could die!"

After three months, Gilbert died.

When the old women met the next time for a game, one of them said to Elsa, "He died because of you. We warned you against giving him cat-food but you didn't listen. How could you be so calm enjoying the game knowing you killed him?"

Elsa replied, "I certainly didn't kill him. He fell out of a tree trying to catch a bird."

 

[Mario]

I was at the bar Wednesday night and overheard three very

hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be

that of a Scot, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three

lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?”

And that's the last thing I remember until late the following Tuesday afternoon

 

[sawgrass]

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

3 Mom's - A brunette, a redhead & a blonde

They were all talking one day and the brunette said "Oh my gosh y'all...I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed".
The other women comforted her and the redhead said "Yeah...well I found a fake ID in my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comforted her.
Then the blonde said "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I can't believe she has a penis".

A blonde and a brunette were on their way to heaven. The brunette asked the blonde "mind me asking how you died"?
"I had a heart attack" the blonde replied..."how about you?"
"I froze to death" replied the brunette. "What caused your heart attack"?
The blonde replied "It started when I came home from work and I saw a woman's car in the drive way. I rushed in to the house and asked my husband where are you hiding her???"
"He replied to me "hiding who??? So I started looking around the house. I was so angry...I just dropped to the floor."
"Damn!!!!" replied the brunette. "If you had just looked in the deep freezer....we'd both have lived".

 

[jackhole]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the White House. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Barrack Obama. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Barrack , considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment . .

 

[jackhole]

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.
He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"
The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?"
"No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it."

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
"My Mom died" she replies.
"That's awful" he replies..."Sorry to hear that...you should go home". "No, I'll be fine" the blonde replied.
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her Mom died, too!"

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spent his entire pay cheque.
Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night. He was confronted by his angry wife Martha who shouted at Roger for nearly two hours about him taking off. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'
Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Essex, answered a knock on the door one Friday, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said Myra. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'

 

[sawgrass]

A little Montana humor


An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
<image001.jpg>He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
<image002.jpg>
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

<image003.jpg>
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Never trust an Irishman!!
Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me."
Pat doesn't like it but, being Murphy's longtime friend, he agrees.

After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts ofstupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.

Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleepingwith your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says..."You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago."

 

[sawgrass]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
... "Phil was unableto hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."