Friday Joke - September

jackhole

jackhole

Well-Known Member
Jul 20, 2009
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New Policy for Handling Drivers

When a Driver reaches your terminal , greet him with a friendly smile , assist him from his truck , and get him a cup of coffee. ( If after 11am make it a cold beer ) Have him sign in and put his name at the top of the Board , no matter how many Drivers are ahead of him. ( Do not question him about the lady in the bunk )

IMMEDIATELY KISS HIS ASS ! Direct him to the Driver's Lounge and while he is playing the pinball maching or making a long distance phone call on the companies expense, have someone make out his log book for him.

If a load comes up and he doesn't want it, tell the shipper to stick it up his ass. ( Continue to educate your shippers to ship freight where the Drivers want to go and not where their Customers are located )

If , by some slim chance the Driver agrees to take the load , just follow these simple rules :

1) Fuel up his truck.
2) While he has his coffee have someone sit with him and look interested while he tells lies about all the $8000 dollar loads he has hauled in the last week, the girl's he has charmed the last few trips , and how he told his boss off last week
3) Check his oil and water, clean his windshield and mirrors, sweep out his truck and make up his bunk with fresh linen.
4) Give him any amount of cash advance that he wants , plus 10 per cent
5) Make sure the load he is picking up is not further than 2 blocks away and delivers not more than 2 miles from his house.
6) Take the truck , load it , chain and tarp if necessary and bring it back for inspection. IF he is not satisfied , do it again.

If he's not ready to leave, tell him that's ok, and gently assure him that he may deliver at his convenience. ( IF some nervy SOB shipper calls looking for his load , tell him he will get it when the Driver is damn good and ready )

When the Driver is ready to leave , have 10 loads waiting for him at his destination point to select from. Note: all loads must be going in the direction the Driver wants to go.

Kiss him good-bye , but leave him at the top of the Board in case he decides he does not want this load after all , and returns to the yard.

If he does return ,immediately give him a cash setllement for that load and start all over with step 1.
 
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Ummmm Jackhole this is suppose to be a place for Jokes...........not real life.
 
The Northern Bear Remover:

A man in Pointe au Baril wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for
"Up North Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his half ton.

He's got a ladder, a baseball Bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 
6 Presidents were on a sinking ship

Ford : What do we do ????
Bush : Man the Lifeboats !!!
Reagan : What life boats ???
Carter : Women first !!!
Nixon : Screw the women !!
Clinton : You think we have time ??
 
A young cowboy from Regina goes off to college in Ontario . Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Waterloo that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading Shakespeare, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little blonde who lives down the street?"The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Ottawa as a Senator.
 
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. She says she was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5000. The officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the banks underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5000 and the interest which was $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business Miss, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked your credit - and you are a multimillionaire. I found it puzzling as to why you would borrow $5000 when you certainly didn't need it".

The woman replied, "where else in New York can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"
 
I was at a dinner party some time ago and there was a guy there that took every opportunity to show off how smart he was. He would talk about himself and how smart he was to anyone and everyone. After I had a few wobbly-pops I decided to see just how smart he is.

I went up to him and asked, "When geese fly south for the winter they fly in a "V" shape but there is always one side longer than the other. Why is that, do you think?" He thought about it for a few minutes and then conceded that he didn't know. The group of people around us were somewhat surprised that this fellow didn't have an answer. I finally explained it to him like this; "It's because there are more geese on one side!!"

I also asked him if he knew why giraffes have such long necks. Again, he didn't know. I explained that it's because their heads are so far away from their bodies!!

He may be smart but he sure looked stupid that night!
 
The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
 
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