Friday Joke September 1.

[Igor Galanter]

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband:
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer
At this point the husband started choking up. . .
Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

 

[jackhole]

 

[sawgrass]

 

[Michael Ludwig]

I wish I could take credit for this, but ripped it from Quora ...

We all think of weird things when we are in the shower. Presenting the very best shower-thoughts ever:

• Saying "umm" is the human equivalent to buffering.
• If Bruce Willis dies from Viagra overdose, the headline will read "Bruce Willis Dies Hard."
• If Mary had baby Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God.... Then Mary really did have a little lamb.
• Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
• If the oldest person on earth is 116 years old, then 117 years ago, there was a completely different set of human beings on earth.
• A group of Squid should be called a squad.
• When you're a kid, “dick” jokes are considered adult content, but when you're an adult, they're considered immature.
• I wonder how many times I've walked past or come into contact with a murderer/rapist.
• Let's take a moment to appreciate that mother nature not only pre-sliced but also pre-wrapped oranges.
• I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
• I have no idea what I've forgotten.
• Getting birthday money is the real life equivalent of passing 'Go' and collecting $200 in Monopoly.
• Cars should have two horns: one is a "nice" one, the other is a "mean" one.
• Everyone actually has 3 voices, the one in your head, the one you hear when you talk and the one that everyone else hears instead.
• The reason "cheaters never win" is because the cheaters that did win didn't get caught.
• History classes are only going to get longer, harder and messier as time goes on.
• Most of my clothes have been to countries that I have not. [Made in China]
• We rescue homeless animals and shun homeless people.
• Technically, it's impossible to skip breakfast. The first time you eat during a day is when you "break your fast".
• Why do people say "Tuna fish" when they don't say "Beef mammal" or "Chicken bird"?
• They should mark the last tissues in a box with red lines like they do with receipt paper.
• Aliens invaded the Moon on July 20th, 1969 [Apollo 11]
• "Strap-on" spelled backwards is "no parts".
• The witches from "Sabrina" naming their cat Salem is like a Jewish family naming a cat Auschwitz.
• "My entire life has led up to this moment" is always true.
• "Arms" is another word for guns, and "Guns" is another word for arms.
• If I'm lucky, my internal organs will never see the light of day.
• Most people can eat the same breakfast weeks in a row, without complaint. But the same dinner for weeks? Now, that's just insanity. [Cereal]
• We say "hair" when referring to lots of it but we say "hairs" when referring to a few.
• The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi.
• I will be the last person to die in my lifetime.
• If I were a serial killer I would call myself "The Suspense" so that the suspense would literally be killing people.
• Asking someone "where are you" is a recent thing. Before we had mobile phones, the only way we could talk to people is if we knew where they were.
• "Squawks" said backwards still sounds the same even though it's not a palindrome.
• Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.
• If Katniss and Peeta from Hunger Games were Hollywood celebrities, their super-couple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.
• Mothers only get a day but sharks get a whole week.
• When you "bite down" on something, you're actually "biting up" because you can't move your top jaw.
• I wonder if I am closer to my death or my birth right now.
• In order to fall asleep, you have to pretend to be asleep.
• If you did something like a boss, you'd probably just pay someone else to do it.
• If people on a planet 65 million light years away look at earth, they see Dinosaurs.
• Google Earth is good for finding out which of your neighbours has a pool.
• Spacesuits are literally made to protect astronauts from nothing
• If there's a "Heavens, No!" and a "Hell Yeah!" why isn't there a "Purgatory Perhaps"?
• If Homer Simpson were a democratic congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he'd be Homer Simpson (D-OH).
• Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor's appointment.
• In the last 20 years, I won over $7,300 by not buying a lottery ticket every day.
• The sinking of the RMS Titanic must have been a miracle for the lobsters in the kitchen.
• You're too big to ride the dog by the time you're smart enough to think to ride the dog.
• If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the earth briefly becomes a sandwich.
• The two worst prison sentences you can get are a) life sentence b) death sentence.
• When jogging, we put on special clothes so people don't think we are running from or to something.
• Mars is populated entirely by robots!
• The war on drugs probably has more POWs than any actual war.
• Horses must be the most farted upon creatures in the whole world.
• If Obama was the President of Kenya, he would be their first white president.
• The only reason celebrities always say people should follow their dreams is because they're part of the small percentage who were actually successful.
• All our pets might have Stockholm Syndrome.
• A date is like a sex interview.
• Computer labs should flicker its lights every now and then, to remind students to save their work.
• There is one day every year, where we unknowingly pass the anniversary of the day the dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid.
• Netflix should have a rating system that includes, "I hate this, but I want to keep watching it."
• Somewhere out there, there is a bottle of Caesar Salad dressing with an expiration date of March 15th [Caesar's death].
• "Supervision" sounds a lot cooler than it really is.
• Your stomach thinks all potato is mashed.
• When you drink alcohol, you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
• Trying to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by flying on commercial airlines.
• What if the Egyptians didn't actually revere cats, but only jokingly did like we do on the internet?
• My right elbow has never been touched by my right hand.
• If anyone was given the challenge to fall asleep in 10 minutes in exchange for a million dollars, almost everyone would fail miserably.
• If I throw around large amounts of shredded bread on public property, my proximity to ducks determines whether or not I'm littering.
• Minivans have sliding doors so children don't open them into other cars.
• If Kanye and Kim's child's name is North West, that makes Kim's vagina the northwest passage.
• Kevin spacey gets paid more to pretend to be a politician than real ones get paid to run the country.
• "Slang" is a colloquial word for "colloquial word".
• Technically speaking, wouldn't your best friend be your worst enemy?
• Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions.
• Humans have a 16 hour battery life.
• Wake up earlier on weekends. Now you get to sleep in for 5 days a week instead of two.
• June is like Friday, July is like Saturday, and August is like Sunday
• Some rappers basically have us pay them to tell us what extravagant/lavish things they then do with our money.
• A crush is called a crush because he/she will most likely crush your feelings.
• The word "Anna" shifted down the alphabet one letter becomes "Boob."
• It would make more sense if 3 had the value of 4 because the number 3 looks like half of the number 8.
• A mullet will make you a redneck and also prevent you from getting one.
• Childbirth is literally an emergency.
• Teach a man to fish he'll pay you once, sell a man a fish and he'll pay you for a lifetime.
• Everything I cook literally turns out to be sh*t.
• Keith Urban is a terrible name for a country music singer.
• "Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for an abortion clinic.
• Can Chewbacca even say "Chewbacca"? shouldn't his name be something like "rawwwraaraar"?
• If we ever colonize another planet how will we determine age?
• I wish I had a Mario Kart-like ghost of myself punctually getting ready for work in the morning so I'd know if I was running late.
• Acquired taste is the Stockholm Syndrome of the flavor world.
• Being attracted to your own flaccid penis would be the worst fetish ever.
• I am just a Penis. The rest of me is just there to make sure my Penis survives long enough to make more Penises.
• The word "bitch" is used to describe people of either gender who possess negative traits of the other.
• "Dog food Lid" backwards is "Dildo of God"

 

[sawgrass]

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new young doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. Looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you - there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out,patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas


A man was riding on a full bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"