Friday Joke - October

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
There are some peanuts in a bowl on the counter.
They start talking to the man.
“Hey, you’re looking pretty hot tonight,” they say.
The man thinks it’s a bit weird that peanuts are talking to him. But he feels pretty good about being told he looks hot.
He decides to play pool and goes over to the change machine to get some coins.
As he is getting the money, the machine says: “You suck at pool, bro. Why do you even bother? In fact, you suck at life.”
The man doesn’t feel good anymore. He thinks: “Man, something strange is going on in this bar. Maybe I’m hallucinating.”
So he goes up to the bar again and he says to the bartender: “What’s up with this bar tonight? First the peanuts starts talking to me and telling me I’m hot and now the change machine is telling me I suck! What’s going on?!”
“Well,” says the bartender. “The peanuts are complimentary and the change machine is out of order.”

 

[lowmiler88]

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

 

[lowmiler88]

THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME

People born before 1944 are called - The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1944 and 1964 are called - The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called - Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?


Just thought you might want to know "Y"

 

[snafu]

............

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"What are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

Dave and Tom were playing golf one Sunday afternoon. Dave was getting ready to take a shot when a funeral procession drove past the golf course.
Dave straightened up, held his hand over his heart and stood in silence until the procession had passed.
“Dave... I didn’t know you were so sensitive!” said Tom. “That was real respect for the dead....”
“Nah...it was nothing,” said Dave. “How can one quiet moment compare with the 25 years she and I had together?”


A man rings the FBI and says: "I'm calling to report my neighbour Tom! He’s hiding marijuana inside his firewood. "
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend upon Tom’s house and search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Tom and leave.
That evening the phone rings at Tom’s house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah, they did … "
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

Little Johnny returned home from school and told his Dad he got an "F" in math.
"Why an F???" asked his Dad quite angrily.
Johnny replied "the teacher asked 'how much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's the right answer!!!" replied the Dad
"Then she asked me...'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f&%$ing difference?" replied the Dad...
"That's exactly what I said!"

 

[lowmiler88]

Church Lady

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said: "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner ?" "Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked: "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with: "Just wondering, would you care to stop at this motel?" "Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?" He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months’ vacation and five good leads ...'