Friday Joke - May

[lowmiler88]

Guess what I'm doing this weekend?

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
___________________________

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.

What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
___________________________

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
___________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?""Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
___________________________

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
___________________________

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya Ma'am. I'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"The woman replied, "Oh...don't be flattered...take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."


A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears...especially one that's so extensive. But she decides not to mention this to him and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side.

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over smiling and says..."well that was amazing....how was it for you?"

The guy rolls over yawning and replies..."help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

 

[lowmiler88]

Better than the Academy Awards!

Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:

Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:

A Dunkirk, IN man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54 caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the ..22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia Poole (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

lowmiler88

I found your post a bit of a "Debbie Downer" on a Friday....I certainly didn't laugh when I read these. Bit depressing actually....

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's then."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest. Her dress is green and very short...with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers..."Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy replies..."No....I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"


While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it honey?"

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy....

 

[ShipHappens]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
...
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'...!
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar ...
'HE LIVES IN A HOME, WITH MY NON-STOP CHATTING AND NAGGING WIFE, HE'S TRYING TO CATCH UP ON HIS SLEEP .. CAN I COME WITH HIM TOMORROW ....???'

 

[sawgrass]

I Like Retirement!!!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday and you know when it's Sunday because that's when the heavy paper comes
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer:Normal .
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer : He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very favorite.... QUESTION : What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday,
NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

 

[ctsi]

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral.

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during
the service as all the doctors from the hospital satin awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heartforever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burstinto laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry. I was just thinking of
my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist!'
The minister fainted!

 

[ctsi]

Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?

Signed: Clueless
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States.

Act like one.

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"

"I'm a cow."
"Right, right. What do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool."

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a chicken."
"Oh, right. What do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas darling....and I'll show you."

 

[sawgrass]

Best Joke in Britain

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.....One goes to get
the food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons
became.
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he
gave his best friend a ferrari.
No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich,
he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company
became so rich, he build his best friend a castle.
No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.
They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and
asked her about her son.
She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.
The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming
successful.
"Oh noooo!!" said the Lady, “He is doing good. Last week on his birthday he
got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends...".
All the 3 Ladies fainted....

(This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain.)

 

[sawgrass]

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!!
It is from an orthopedic surgeon................This will boggle your mind and it will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart
your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!


1).Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY....) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and makeclockwisecircles.

2). Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.
Your foot willchange direction. And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

 

[sawgrass]

LUNCH WITH AN 85 YEAR OLD

One day I had lunch with some old friends. Jim, a short, balding golfer type, about 85-years old, came along with them; all in all, it was a pleasant bunch.

When the menus were presented, my friends and I ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Jim who said, "A large piece of home-made apple pie, heated please."

I wasn't sure my ears heard him right, and the others were aghast, When Jim continued, completely unabashed...."along with two large scoops of vanilla ice cream."

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time, but when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy eating mine.
I couldn't take my eyes off of Jim as I watched him savouring each bite of his pie a-La-mode. The other guys just grinned in disbelief as they silently ate their lunches.


The next time I went out to eat, I called Jim and invited him to join me. I lunched on a white meat tuna sandwich, while he ordered a chocolate parfait. Since I was chuckling, he wanted to know if he amused me. I answered, "Yes, you certainly do, but you also confuse me. How come you always order such rich desserts, while I feel like I must be sensible in my food choices?"

He laughed and said "I'm tasting all that is possible for me to taste. I try to eat the food I need and do the things I should in order to stay healthy, but life's too short, my friend. I hate missing out on something good. This year I realized how old I was. (He grinned) I've never been this old before, so, while I'm still here, I've decided it's time to try all those things that, for years, I've been
ignoring."


He continued, "I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many trout streams I haven't fished. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.

"There are too many golf courses I haven't played. I've not laughed at all the jokes.
I've missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips and cokes.


"I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face.
I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.


"I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast.
I want untimed long distance calls to the one I love the most.

"I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain.
I need to feel wind on my face. I want to be in love again.
"So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner,
then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner,
because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire.
I had that final piece of pie before my life expired."


With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind, " I said. "I want what he's having, only add some more whipped cream!"

 

[sawgrass]

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER
COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR
TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER’S EVENING?"


THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT
FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."


"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE
PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.


THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.


"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY
WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.


WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER, PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.


HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:


"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."
The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Good fer ya' Walk with pr-r-ride!"


Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl! shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well..first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila...the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second...there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third...there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says.."Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well...as time goes on and the man drinks a few...he asks "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar...his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

 

[sawgrass]

>> John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland ...
>> with his buddy, Shawn.
>>
>> So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few
>> hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby
>> farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend
>> the night.
>>
>> ‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
>> myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the
>> neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
>>
>> 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
>> weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
>>
>> The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
>> for the night.
>>
>> Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
>> enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an
>> unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it
>> out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
>> attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
>>
>> He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that
>> good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland
>> about 9 months ago?'
>>
>> ‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn
>>
>> 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
>> house and pay her a visit?'
>>
>> 'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I
>> have to admit that I did.'
>>
>> 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
>>
>> Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm
>> afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
>>
>> ‘She just died and left me everything.'
>>
>> (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...

 

[ctsi]

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book !!”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.

Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.

A man in Hell asked Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife ?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.

Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !

Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……"

 

[Rob]

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater!"
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."
"Then you're ****ing gay."

 

[sawgrass]

A young cowboy from Alberta goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.


“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Calgary that will teach our dog, Ol’ Blue, how to talk!”

“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1,000,” the young cowboy says. “I’ll get him in the course.”

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

“So how’s Ol’ Blue doing, son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”

The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Ottawa as a newly appointed member of the Senate.





Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pants????

M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!