Friday Joke - May

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

At the couples retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words ‘sex’ and ‘love.’
The woman wrote: ‘When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like him and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.’
The man wrote: ‘I love sex.’

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

 

[lowmiler88]

Golf Panties....The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it..

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'





You dont stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!!

 

[jackhole]

Little Johnny the Entrepreneur
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very
excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl
scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to
appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my
obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.

Little
Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually,
it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her
breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom
and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he
said."$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you
selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed
the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that
much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I
set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free
sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then
I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?
I used the
government approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making
you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

I'm still laughing over this one...to myself...in my office...like a goofball!!!

Happy long weekend everyone!


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock — it’s half-past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No. Get lost, it’s half-past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s door to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would only be right to help him.”
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: “Hey, do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing set.”

 

[lowmiler88]

Well since I got a lively discussion going I better put up an oldy goldy for a Friday Joke:


1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke atthe dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting the wife drunk.

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the trooper said. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the trooper said. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, 'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

4 guys are driving cross-country together — one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, “What the hell are you doing?”
The man from Idaho says, “Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they’re laying around on the ground...I’m sick of looking at them!”
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks “What are you doing that for?” The Nebraskan replies,
“Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska...I’m sick of looking at them!”
Inspired by the others - the man from Florida opens the car... door and pushes the New Yorker out.

FORD has added wires to the rear window to clear fog and frost...
DODGE is adding wires under the wipers so they can be freed when frozen and not burn up the motor....
But CHEVY is adding the wire elements to the tailgates on all of their trucks to keeps your hands warm while you’re pushing...

 

[lowmiler88]

While walking down the street one day, a Member of Parliament is hit by a truck and tragically dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning…..

Today you voted.’

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

"This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording."