Friday Joke - May 2016

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

Little Johnny liked to gamble....

One day his dad got a new job so his family had to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy was concerned about the move and thought he'd get a head start on this gambling issue his son had.

He called his new teacher and said, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow. Be warned...he likes to gamble...so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher replied confidently that she'd be "just fine" with little Johnny.

The next day Johnny walked into class and handed the teacher an apple saying, "Hi...my name is Johnny."

She replied "oh yes...I know who you are...."

Johnny smiled and said, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thought she'd break his little gambling habit immediately - so she took him up on the bet.

She pulled her pants down and showed him her butt....no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny went home and told his dad he lost $10 to the teacher on his first day and why.

So his dad called the teacher and said, "Johnny told me he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher replied smirking, "Yeah...and I think I broke his little gambling problem...."

Johnny's dad laughed and said, "No you didn't...he bet me $100 this morning he'd see your ass before his first day of school was over."

 

[sawgrass]

Dear Tech Support,

’Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,

"First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!’




My wife has these days when she wants us to "talk about things".
We were discussing aspects of our future so when it was my turn
I asked her "What will you do if I die before you do?”


After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a
house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women
who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so
active for her age.


Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?"


I replied, "Probably the same thing."

 

[bubba-one]

The Pigs:

A farmer had 5 female pigs.

Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off,

loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

 

[sawgrass]

Thinking about deer hunting season.....a good question!


Looking forward to hunting season but I do have a question. If I shoot a buck, but I only have a doe tag, can I claim that the buck wasn't really a buck?


I mean … maybe he'd always wanted to be a doe, but with no choice of his own he was born with the physical attributes of a male. And yet … on the inside he'd always known he was truly a female.


I'm just wondering if the game warden will buy it,........ because society and the Supreme Court do.

 

[ctsi]

Medicare Part G

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.


The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV,a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney,lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!


As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!


And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.

And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!


Is this a great country or what?

 

[MikeJr]

If I could like the joke below more than once I would.

Wait until all the boomers need care, things will be ever worse than they are now.

Keep well,
Mike

 

[ctsi]

Never Believe An Irishman

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.


He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,

"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy.."


Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.


The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?"


The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."


The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."


The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."



A guy texts his neighbor:



Dear Keith :



I'm sorry.


I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you.
I know it’s no excuse, but I don't get it at home.
I can't live with the guilt any longer.
I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology.
It won't happen again.

The neighbor, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"... Sorry!

Donald......

 

[ctsi]

You know you're a redneck when......


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.


2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.


3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.


4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.


5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.


6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.


7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.


8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.


9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.


10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.


11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.


12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.


13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.


14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.


15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.


16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.


17. You have a rag for a gas cap.


18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.


19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.


20. You can spit without opening your mouth.


21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.


22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.


24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.


25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.


26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.


27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.


28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.


29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.


30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

 

[Rob]

That kind of sounds like people from Norfolk..

Have a great weekend folks.