Friday Joke - March

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

An old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can’t see very well these days.”
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
Doc says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend. "Get over here now..."
‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’
‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely. ‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor’s office. He says to the doctor, “I’ve never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that !!!”
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, “Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he’s in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle.
So he’s in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?”
The old man says, “That’s impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!”.
“EXACTLY” says the doctor.

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A man walks into the front door of a bar...totally drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink and he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely - but more firmly - refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, he curses, flips him off - and shows himself out the side door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Whoa...Man!!! How many bars do you work at????"


A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.”
“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued.
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” concluded the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

 

[lowmiler88]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,

asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,

how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.'

What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?

I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

 

[lowmiler88]

STICK DEODORANT




I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: “Remove cap and push up bottom.

”I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.”

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

Two small boys met during their first day at school. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My daddy is a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the normal kind," replied Tommy.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull wandered home this morning.”

George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer’s firm, and was ushered into his office.
“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked.
“Well, if those are my choices, I guess I’ll take the bad news first.”
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”
“That’s the bad news?” George was stunned? “If you call that bad, I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”