Friday Joke - July

[lowmiler88]

A few words of wisdom.....A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty,and was leaving his Mission in the junglewhere he has spent years teaching the natives,in their language,when he realizes that the one thing,he never really taught them much was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.He points to a tree and says to the chief,"This is a tree."The chief looks at the tree and grunts,"Tree."The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,"This is a rock."The chief looks and grunts,"Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.The Priest is really flustered and quickly says,"Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilizedand be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
And the chief replied, ”My bike."
ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the main roads when riding somebody else's bicycle.

 

[NBCheck]

A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What a-hole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."

 

[ctsi]

DID YOU marry the right woman?
Does She have short, small fingers & hands?

My grandmother died in the 80's but her birthday is coming up,
and that always causes me to reminisce:
The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5 cents she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning off the driveway.Her soothing hands when I would get hurt.

But the thing I remember most was her sage advice.

Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying a cookie and a Coke. She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"Always remember this, she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small fingers & hands."

"How come, Grandma?"

She smiled and said gently,
"Makes your dick look bigger."

Grandma was special!

 

[ShawnR]

LOL, the grandma is funny AND creepy at the same time hahaha

 

[Shakey]

sounds like my Grandmother in-law; always tells my brother in-law make sure they are short so you can close the backdoor in your car.............................Turned 100 last Sunday still just about makes me piss my pants with some of her one liners

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A young man excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "OK, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?" His mother replied, "I don't like her."

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend. “You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

 

[sawgrass]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back an d thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

 

[lowmiler88]

Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere

at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, he?

I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news ! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin

Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub.

That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army

waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama, the war is still on!

We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and

14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army

to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama, the war is still on!

We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's

ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion

have joined us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that

I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is

surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke,

I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama!

I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over

a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million

prisoners.."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

 

[chica123]

Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in theparish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his ownfew words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs,and sold his sister's jewellery to buy a gun. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had,indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

An old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.
He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog: “I’m a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.
Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked:
“What, you’re not going to kiss me?”
“Nope,” replied the old man. “At my age it’s more fun to have a talking frog than a sex maniac.”

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake.”

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style…. it makes your nose look too short."

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Sam,” the man moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony.”