Friday Joke - April

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.
The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Dammit...it's even worse than I ever imagined..."
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"Our son is going to be a bloody politician!"

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he'd been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ''I can't walk around like this!!"
"Sir," the doctor said, "there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.''
A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree.
The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail...with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, no one was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man's blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye.
He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.
"Excuse me, sir," said the policeman. "Do you know anything about this at all?"
"No, constable" said the man.

"Well, we can't figure this out. Somehow...this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!"

 

[MikeJr]

GREEK LEGAL SYSTEM - DIVORCE CASE HEARING !

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge That since she had brought the children into this world, She should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge Asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair And replied:
"Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending Machine, and a Coke comes out .... Does the Coke belong to Me or to the machine?"

DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!!

 

[sawgrass]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve¹s Place,'
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the bus boy brought our water and
utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,
'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was
the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his
spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now.
I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's
fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in
the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it
out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%”.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon.'

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;
"The balcony".......


HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUYTHAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGANPARKHIGH SCHOOL..
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I'm usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that ol' fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time's usually around July...second time is usually December!"

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, said a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."

 

[ctsi]

Aphorism = "A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth"
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m - for example, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print - there's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.
And REMEMBER....
"POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" There was a long hush.......you could hear a pin drop! Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times..

What we have is.....
Blue Cross!!"

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" There was a long hush.......you could hear a pin drop! Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times..

What we have is.....
Blue Cross!!"

 

[jackhole]

A young Ontario woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
> throwing herself into the lake, but just before she could throw herself
> from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
>
>
> "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are
> off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of
> you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
>
> With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted
> to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her
> aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
> From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle
> of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was
> discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
>
> "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
>
> "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings
> me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
>
> "I see," the captain says.
>
> Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing
> me."
>
> "He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the Pelee Island Ferry."
>

 

[whatiship]

My Golfing Dilemma..........

I was playing golf with a buddy of mine last week.
By the 18th hole it was all tied up, I hit a great drive down the middle of the fairway.
He blows his into the woods.
After about 5 minutes looking for his ball he says " you go hit yours, I will look for another minute and If I cant find it I will go back to the tee and hit another". I said okay.
As I am walking back to my ball I hear "found it!" and his ball comes sailing out of the trees and lands on the green.

And here is my dilemma.

Should I take his first ball out of my pocket and confront the cheating son of a bitch, or just bit my tongue?

 

[sawgrass]

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like dat cute widdle bwown wabbit over der?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,



"I don't think my python weally gives a thyit."

 

[bull958]

So, I was walking through a local mall in California and came upon a “Mexican Book Store.” Never having seen one before, I went in.

As I was wandering around, a clerk asked if he could help me find something.

I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book about his proposed immigration policy regarding Mexicans?”

The clerk said, “Fuck you, get out and stay out!"

I said, “Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

 

[bull958]

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.


So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.


'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.


'The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to ear is going to help me.


''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


"1"


"2"


"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Parts of Georgia , Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC .

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Republican candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"

The teacher left the room..

 

[MikeJr]

Now that was funny!!!

I was in AZ the other week, it's amazing how much support he has (in the south). I don't talk politics with Americans, they have guns and may not like what I have to say!!

Keep well,
Mike

 

[bull958]

A look at the Consequences of a Republican Win In November -- and the serious problem facing Canada


The flood of American Liberal/Progressives sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the recent weeks, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal American immigration. The Republican presidential primary campaign is prompting an exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and live according to the U.S. Constitution and not by Executive Orders.


Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists and green energy proponents crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose farm borders North Dakota. "The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free range chicken. When I told him I didn't have any, he angrily left before I even got a chance to show him the screenplay I've been writing, eh?"


In an effort to stop the illegal American aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them nonetheless. He then installed 5,000 Watt loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the border, but they just keep on coming.


Canadian officials are particularly concerned about American smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, promising them that they will be delivered to safe haven in Canada. They pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the batteries die. "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I actually found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though, and some kale chips, but they couldn't bring themselves to share."


When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly, fearing retribution from conservatives, who will make them work instead of providing entitlements. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and required to earn their own keep.


In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the 1950s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on the Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," the official said


Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage, buying up all the hip hop CDs, and renting out all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't absorb and support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many inept art, history and sociology majors does one country need?"

 

[Rob]

Lol Bull that is Epic!!

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

An elderly man and his wife go to the doctor so he can get a checkup. The doctor examined him thoroughly in the presence of his wife.
"You're in perfect health!" said the doctor, "What do you attribute this to?"
"It is the help of God." he says, "Even when I wake in the night and go to the bathroom, God turns the light on for me so I will not stumble, and when I leave, He turns it off."
"That is totally amazing!" says the doc.
"No it isn't!" says his wife, "He pees in the refrigerator"

A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

 

[sawgrass]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the

family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly

father died,

he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.


One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful

woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an

ordinary man," he said to her,

but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200

million."


Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,

she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

[sawgrass]

IS IT MALE OR FEMALE?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples...
FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them....
PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying..

 

[Road Runner]

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any
tips you could give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in
here, would you?"

Theresa May walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa.
Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is
not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike,
answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He
went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an
answer.

Finally, Pence ran in to Sarah Palin in a restaurant the next night.
Pence asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and
father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is
it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Pence then, went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research
and I have the answer to that riddle.

It's Sarah Palin!"

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you
idiot! It's Theresa May!"

..AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE

 

[MikeJr]

Driva,
This is the joke sections, it's for jokes. You're supposed to laugh and move on with your day. I've removed your posts.

Keep well,
Mike

 

[sawgrass]

Love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.
Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.




Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?



Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.



Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!



Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.



And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"



AND.....



For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.



1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...



5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.






CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT



Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award
for sure....


Dear Sir,



I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block
3 of the accident report form.



I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident.



You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be
sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found
that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be
slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to
the side of the building on the sixth floor.



Securing the rope at ground level I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and
loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11
of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at
being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and
forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate
up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the
barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.



This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar
bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only
slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my
right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.



Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At
approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my
weight.



As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations
of my legs and lower body.



Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed
to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks
and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.



I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey
back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.



I hope this answers your inquiry.