August Jokes for 2017

[sawgrass]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What
I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
I'd pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time, get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one
hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly
make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and
thinking
to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me
up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over
and over again I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body

in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting
slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel
of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8
feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but
was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head,
which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my
experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

 

[sawgrass]

Seniors bus trip

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Windsor to Branson.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says,
"I've just been molested!"...
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.
The driver was beginning to think he had a bus load of old wackos. Who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested.
The bus driver decides that he'd had better investigate, and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on, he sees anold man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it runs away...



Making a Baby
This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

...
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith...

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and Out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted