Friday Joke - September

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "
"What's that?"
"Did you happen to fart yet?..."
"No . . . why???? "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause now I'm in Phoenix."

 

[Shakey]

RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I
accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and
get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is
like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris ,
Over the past six months, your husband has
caused quite a commotion in our store. We
cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Harris , are listed below and are
"documented by our video surveillance
cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in other people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in
Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice
on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and
told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in
Housewares. Get on it right away'. This
caused the employee to leave her assigned
station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a
union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and
tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR'
sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told the children shoppers
they could come in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding
department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they
could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the
security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the
hunting department, he asked the clerk where
the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store
suspiciously while loudly humming the '
Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he
practiced his 'Madonna look' by using
different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and
when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK
ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came
over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal
position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout
clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room,
shut the door, waited awhile, and then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet
paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
If you don't send this to your dearest
friends, you will be depriving them of some
good humor.

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

Little Jimmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Hey Jimmy - what are you up to there?"
"My goldfish died," replied Jimmy tearfully..."and I've just buried him."
After looking more closely at what Jimmy was doing - the neighbor replied "That's an awfully big hole for a little goldfish, isn't it?"
Jimmy patted down the last heap of earth...stood up and replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."


An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall when a teenager with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was a ridiculous bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes. The old man kept staring at him. The boy -noticing him staring said, "What's the matter ol' man - haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Well yes..actually...I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."


There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Aahh no...Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"