Friday Joke - October

AccountsReceivable@DRC

AccountsReceivable@DRC

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The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. Completely drunk and slurring his words.
"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid then I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."
"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done???"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man.
“I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
“What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man.
“I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!” the first man says.
“I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”
 
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IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR

Skinny little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at the Irishman and says: "7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"

The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"

The little white Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"
 
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Anyone see the news about the guy hanging a brick on a rope over an overpass bridge on the 401 and Warden? The guy was trying to smash windshields on trucks but karma got the best of him and the brick swung around a trucks mirror and then ripped the guys arm off! The kicker is that the police actually charged the truck driver! He got charged with armed robbery!....wah, wah wah...Happy Friday!
 
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BLONDE IN AN ALABAMA CHURCH
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This
is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this
Christian family.
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit
this is a falsehood?
Nothing.
"Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a
runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her
voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.I
simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared!
Life is short. Smile while you still have Teeth.

Give me an Amen Brother!
 
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A guy goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, “What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?”
The doctor replied, “It’ll keep the sheets off his legs.”

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The patient said, “Give me the good news.”
“They’re going to name a disease after you.”
 
RECTUM STRETCHER
(if you don't laugh at this one, there is something wrong.)

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'


'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.


'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
Traffic Ticket - $95.00 Court Costs - $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face.................PRICELESS
 
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Saskatchewan Love Story

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to
marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other
as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a
honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off
his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck
gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was
followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see,
I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the
pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end. She
did laps in freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly!
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she
climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic
endurance swimmer?"
No, she said, "I was a hooker in Saskatoon and I worked
both sides of the river."
 
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After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at ‘Hooter's’ to see some friends and have some hot wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would most like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told him "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.
 
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