Friday Joke - November

[lowmiler88]

Drinking beer has its rewards


Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Winston Churchill



"When I read about the evils of drinking after golfing I gave up reading."
Paul Horning



"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken


"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin


"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry


BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields



Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

Josie wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josie and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josie jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and Savior?" Joe poked Josie again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josie again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

 

[sawgrass]

Most of our generation of 50+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. " If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION . "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. " If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC." Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC ."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. " Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER." This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. " If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION ."Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. " Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. " If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT ."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. " Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. " When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE ."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just
like you!"
Rats



Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.00.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2:00 PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200.00--they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from golf at 6:00 PM. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $200.00?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200.00.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200.00 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!




You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young Woman's surgery.

But, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The girl was alarmed.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

 

[sawgrass]

19 Newfies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Buddy replies, "The film said 18 or over."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

...
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 a m. Can you believe that...2:30 a m? Lucky for him I was still up practicing my Bagpipe.


The wife was counting all the nickles and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change.”

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

 

[jackhole]

Duck Hunting
An American hunter was having very bad luck in the Newfoundland outback, not bagging anything. After five dismal days he finally shot at a duck and saw it fall far off. he tramped through the bush and found it had landed in the back yard of a homestead in the middle of nowhere. He climbed over a rail fence and was about to retrieve the bird when the Newfie homesteader saw the wet and bedraggled hunter. "What's ya doin, boy?" he asked the hunter.

"Gettin' my duck," said the Yank.

"Well now I figgers it's my bird, seeing as it's in my yard," says the Newfie.

"Oh God!" said the Yank, "I tracked over miles of awful bush, was lost, hungry, tired, soaked, you name it. I shot this bird. Can't I just take it and go?"

"Well " says the Newfie, who didn't like big smart Yankee hunters much, "tell you what I'll do, boys. We'll fight fer it."

"Fight for it? You kiddin'?" asks the Yank.

"I'll give you a sportin chance," says the Newfie. Here's the rules. One feller bends over and the other kicks him in the arse real hard. Who ever kicks the farthest gets the bird. Deal?" The Yank figures he's bigger and has a winning chance, so he agrees. "I'll go first, seein' as it's my yard," says the Newfie. "Bend over, boy."


The Yank complies. The Newfies hails off and boots the hapless hunter, sending him face first into a manure pile. He splutters to his feet, wipes his face off, then says, hopefully, "Okay, your turn."

The Newfie scratches his head, contemplates, then says, "No, boys. You take the bird an go, Yank. I doesn't like duck anyway."

 

[sawgrass]

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside


'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

You can't beat Chinese Doctors

 

[TransAction]

This coincides with the joke below nicely:

http://prntscr.com/92endw

 

[sawgrass]

Medicare Part G

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.


The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV,a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney,lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!


As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!


And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.

And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!


Is this a great country or what?

 

[sawgrass]

It is healthy to laugh - even at stupid jokes like these....


You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9 Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And in closing....


Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"


NOW Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY

 

[jackhole]

At a Redneck conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?"

Most of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?"

About half the hands stay up.

"Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?"

Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.

"Gosh, that's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh..., been *intimate* with a ghost?"

One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.

"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?"

The fellow suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry,... I thought you said goat!"

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

[Michael Ludwig]

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... If I drank, that would be me celebrating ... ROFLMAO

 

[sawgrass]

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes" - and he calmly returned to his seat.


THIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY ALL PARTIES!

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..........


Today you voted.