Friday Joke - November

AccountsReceivable@DRC

AccountsReceivable@DRC

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There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
 
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. He approached him and said "hey...remember me? We both know you were smuggling something across the border...and I won't say a word...but what was it????"

"Bicycles!"
 
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**



*****Long Pause*****


*****Longer Pause*****


*****Even Longer Pause*****


**Then Daddy says,**


**'Swimming pool? ............**

**Is this 486-5731?'*


**No, I think you have the wrong number........
 
A young man walks through New York's Chinatown and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.

He asked the old man, how in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?

Old Man - That's the name of the owner.

Young Man - Who's the owner?

Old Man - I am.

Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

Old Man - Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian. The lady from Immigration asked him, "what is your name?"...He say "Hans Olaffsen". Lady ask me next "what is your name?"... I say Sam Ting.
 
A 93 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.

As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern french woman at immigration asked if he had been to France before.

He admitted he had indeed been previously.
The woman sarcastically said, then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir.

The gentleman said, I didn't have to show it last time.

Impossible!
The woman said, you British have always had to show your passports to get through here, into France!

The man responded by whispering, well,when i came ashore on the beach on D Day in 1944, i couldn't find any f##king frenchmen to show it to! . . .

Wear your poppy with pride!
 
Toronto Maple Leafs

One of the guys in the warehouse is wearing a Leafs jersey today. I came around a corner and he was lying on the ground holding his shoulder and screaming in pain. I said; " Let me guess? Darcy Tucker?!!?". He gave me one of those looks, got up and went back to work. It was at that moment that I thought, Hmmm...I guessed right!!!
 
A young woman said to her doctor, "you have to help me, I hurt all over." 'What do you mean?' said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, 'Ow, that hurts.' Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.'

The doctor finally asked the woman, 'are you a natural blonde?'...'Why yes!!!' she said. 'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'


A businessman got into an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 'T-G-I-F'
He smiled at her and replied - 'S-H-I-T'
She looked at him puzzled and said, 'T-G-I-F' again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F' another time.
The man smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said, 'T-G-I-F. Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?'
The man answered, 'S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey It's Thursday.'
 
A hooded robber burst into a Toronto bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Toronto customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old logger named Frenchie from Kap tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you..."
 
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replied "no".

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

Go Argos!!!!
 
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy - who had been looking out the window - turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother was totally puzzled and didn't know how to answer that. So she told her son to go ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me this?" "Yes she did" the boy replied.

"Well, then...you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. And have your Mom explain that one to you."
 
Hey Monday needs a smile too

Better than a Flu
Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated. of all
things,a condom!

When she returned
With tea and scones,they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few
months ago and I found
this little package on the
ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
If you don't send
this
To five GOOD
friends
Right away
There will be
Five fewer people
Smiling in the
world.
 
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So I went back into my apartment - got a hammer - and starting hammering on his fingers. He couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes...stunned...but alive. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
 
Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still f*%$#n celebrating!!!
 
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