Friday Joke - May

AccountsReceivable@DRC

AccountsReceivable@DRC

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Mar 25, 2008
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A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses…reflects…and then says “Well then…let it read "Fred Brown died"”. Amused at the woman's cheapness - the editor told her that there was a 7 word minimum for all obituaries. “Ok…fine…” replied the woman…”If that’s case…then let it read "Fred Brown died…1983 Pickup for sale"”.

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on noting neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?” The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."
 
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a call and a message, from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.. That same day the old man received another call and message from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
 
SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made
your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine
was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

New Book
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have
the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated
Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7
Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the
remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my
aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to
turn your clock back".

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite
18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

So True
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you've been f@#ked.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f.... sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one
made you fart?"

Sex Research (could be handy)
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome,
now I understand why they call you handsome!

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "
 
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother. "Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills." "I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her." "I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to." A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."
 
Posting a little early flying out to Vegas with some of our top drivers in the morning......enjoy.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in
his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?"
she asked.
The man replied,
"I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else"
said the madam.
He replied,
"No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the
man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts.
The price is still $5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie,
and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third
consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row."
"Where are you from?"
The man replied,
" New Brunswick ."
"Really," she said.
"I have family in New Brunswick ."
"I know." the man said.
"Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your
$15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that
three(3) things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed
by a lawyer!
 
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 40 years."


Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
 
Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents:

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable, in my opinion.
7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
 
One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said: "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside and said: "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Joe was heartbroken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."
Joe was furious. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head and said: "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
 
In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass. "It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels."

"Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the office. And if you don't give me the job, I'll also tell who's the father!"

The boss collapsed...
 
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