Friday Joke - March

lowmiler88

lowmiler88

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Feb 22, 2008
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The Newfoundland Department of Employment claimed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Burin to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?
 
"Walks Into A Bar"...

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."
 
I think it is just disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved in winning 7 Tour de France races, on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike!
 
How to get to Heaven from Ireland : A true story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? ' ' NO! ' the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was ' NO! '
If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven? Again, they all answered ' NO! '
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? ' A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...."
It's a curious race, the Irish.
 
A man is sleeping in bed when his telephone suddenly rings.
“Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”
“Si, Señor, that's the one.”
“Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Señor Rod.”
”My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
”Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”
“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?!”
“The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
“What the hell?” Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”
“Yes, Señor Rod.”
“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Señor Rod.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?”
“Your wife's, Señor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club.”
“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're a dead man!”
 
A Touching Story.
On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"*

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."*

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"*

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.*After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey!*

That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts.* You could be famous if you rode with me. *Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."*

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
Interesting report on crow kills...............
Well, it is not a pretty story....
About 200 dead crows were seen near Boston and there was concern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The city then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road-kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.



His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."
 
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.

How many Irish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room spins around.

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
There's a 12-month waiting list.

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
They were riverdancing.
 
An Irishman and an Englishman are flying across the channel in a small plane when the engine quits. They then realize they only have one parachute, so they flip a coin for it and the Irishman wins. He puts on the parachute and jumps out. The englishman decides he has a better chance of jumping out into the channel then going down with the plane and jumps out as well. As the Irishman is floating down the Englishman goes wizzing by. The Irishman smiles as he undoes the parachute and says "Ah, so its a race you want"...
 
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."
 
Barack Obama met with the Queen of Great Britain.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?"

David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.

Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's David Cameron!"
 
One more for the Irish ... This Irishman walks out of a bar .... don't laugh...it could happen.
 
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Friday Joke

Three men die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this woman."
The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first man.
The third man has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.
He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the hottest woman he has ever laid eyes on.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy man says: "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The hot girl says: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
 
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