Friday Joke - June

lowmiler88

lowmiler88

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Feb 22, 2008
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My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his check-up,
and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood
in a house that is much larger than he needs,
but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running
or maintenance of the house.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King,
and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others
who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly
it hit me like a brick in the head...

I think my dog might be a Canadian Senator!
 
THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful, fun,
beautiful, intelligent, funny girlfriend and I had
been dating for over two years, and we decided to
get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...
It was her gorgeous younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two,
wore very tight clothing and mini skirts, and
generally was bra-less. She would regularly
bend down to "pick something up" when
she was near me, and I always got more than
a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she
never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her little sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations with her.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered
to me that she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. She told me that she
wanted me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word!

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and
if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as
I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made
a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door,
and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was
standing outside, all clapping and cheering!

With tears in his eyes, my soon-to-be father-in-law
hugged me and said, "We are so very happy that
you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for
a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
Rooney on Answering machines

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "Share the love."

"Beep." "Uh, yeah. . . this is the VD clinic calling. . .Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

-- Andy Rooney


An old man was walking along the river bank when suddenly he spotted another man in the river. The man was waving his hands in the air frantically - bobbing up and down shouting "HELP! HELP! I can't swim". The old man paused for a moment and then shouted back "Grow up son!!!! I also can't ride a bicycle...never could...but you don't hear me yelling all about it now do ya?"...

One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop. The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?" The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere." The cop replied "You idiot that's your air freshener."
 
A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked, lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy, Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe and she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband... rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
 
WHY I AM DEPRESSED!


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) William Lyon Mackenzie King said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now McGuinty has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, food quality, Social Security, retirement funds, HST, eco tax, enviro tax, Hydro One increases, smart meters, delivery charges, etc. . . I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
 
A Mafia Don calls his home.

The butler picks up the phone and says: Hello

Mafia Don: Give the phone to my wife.

Butler: Just a moment.

The Butler comes back and says: She is in the bathroom.

Mafia Don: I said I want to speak to her NOW!

Butler: I am sorry but she cannot come to the phone right now.

Mafia Don: If you do not get her on the phone in a minute, I am going to blow your head into smithereens.

Butler (now scared): You do not understand, there is a man with her in the bathroom.

Mafia Don: What did you say?????

Butler: Yes, it's true.

Mafia Don: Listen carefully, I want you to take the gun from my closet and then shoot them both.

Butler (scared out of his wits): I can't do that, I can never kill anyone.

Mafia Don: Do it right now!

Butler: No, I can't!

Mafia Don: If you don't do it right now, I will kill you and your family. Now get on it with. I want to hear the shots and don't forget to get rid of the gun.

Butler: Uh, all right.

The Mafia Don then hears two loud shots over the phone.

Butler (badly shaken): I did it!

Mafia Don: Good work. What did you do with the gun?

Butler: I threw the gun in the pool.

Mafia Don: The pool???? What pool are you talking about???? We don't have a pool????

.............Is this 747-5498?

There was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
 
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."

Kind of brings a tear to your eye - doesn't it?
 
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
 
Confusion at Cabela's.... plus!

There was a bit of confusion at Cabela's this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the
cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the manager about the gun registry people
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
 
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a Panda! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."
 
Posted as per member "jackhole"

In Mason , Texas , where there is a large German speaking population.

A farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The farmer shouted:

'Trink das Wasser nicht. Die Kuehe haben da reingeschissen.'

(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.')

The man shouted back:

'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama’s health care plan, I can't understand you. Please speak in English.'

The farmer replied:

'Use two hands, you'll get more water.'
 
Not Friday but anyone else stuck working on the holiday can use a laugh...well maybe only us ladies out there will appreciate this one!

Kwikie : MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!
 
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