Friday Joke - July

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times..."


After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said: "Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I'm sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman. It seems that you're not pulling your weight."
She replied calmly: "Then why don't you go out and find a sexy twenty-six year old blonde? And when you do, I'll make sure once again that you'll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed."


A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. The policeman noticed this and stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady.
"You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, "Why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "OK., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

 

[Shakey]

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you
$25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that
there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'

 

[jackhole]

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.



A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.



Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.



The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.



The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'



The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or

something and fix me up, Doc.'



The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'



The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'



The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice.

Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'



The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,



'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'



The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'



The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'



Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.



'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

 

[lowmiler88]

Nicoderm

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed
to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'

***IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!

 

[martinetav]

Three men standing at the pearly gates waiting in line. St-Peter finally gets to them and realizes that there has been a serious mistake and that they weren't suppose to die that day. He tells this to the three men and apologetically tells them that it won't be long, God is going to meet with them personally.
Once they have arrived before God he explains that there has been a mistake and that he would send them back. The only problem is; their bodies have been destroyed so they can't go back as who they were. so one at a time he asks them 'Who would you like to go back as?'
The first man replies 'I don't really care God, I just want to be smarter then I was before.' God concentrates and says 'Done' and sends him back smarter than he was.
The second man replies ' I don't really care either God, I just want to be smarter then the first guy'. God Concentrates very, very, very hard. That will be a little difficult, God says, but.... Done and sends him back smarter than the first one.
The third man replies ' I don't really care either God, I just want to be smarter then the first two guys. God concentrates very, very, very, very, very hard and says to the man 'That will be difficult, one Question... do you mind having a period once a month?

 

[lowmiler88]

This was sent to me from a girl in the office....

Why I am Divorced.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone
'Happy Birthday.'
I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me....'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ....
followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....



On the couch......



Naked.

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of. So she decided to have her hair colored so she would look like a brunette.

After coloring her hair brown - she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could give it a try.

The blonde looked at the flock for a moment..paused..and then said "157".

The farmer..amazed and in shock replied - "you're right - I can't believe it!". So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left...the farmer ran up to her and said "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"