Friday Joke - February

AccountsReceivable@DRC

AccountsReceivable@DRC

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At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband was was old, Lou Anne decided that after their wedding she and Morris would have separate bedrooms. She was concerned that her new - but aged husband - might overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities - Lou Anne prepared herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock came, the door opened and there was Morris, her 85 year old groom...ready for action. They united as one.

All went well and afterwards - Morris took leave of his bride so she could sleep. Ten minutes later, Lou Anne heard another knock on her bedroom door. To her surprise it was Morris...again...ready for more "action". Somewhat astonished, Lou Anne consented for more coupling. When the newlyweds were done, Morris kissed his bride - said "goodnight" - and he left.

Lou Anne was set to go to sleep once again - and just before settling in - heard the knock on the door from Morris. And once again - they enjoyed each other. But just as Morris was set to leave again, his young bride said to him - "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only "good to go" once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turned to Lou Anne and said..."You mean I was here already?"
 
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
 
A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no
legs.
3 women, the first was from England, the second Wales, and the third was
Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so
she gave him a nice warm hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so
she gave him a gentle kiss and walked on.
The Irish woman came to him & said, "'Av ya ever been fooked before,
laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile & said, "No I haven't".

She said, "Aye Lad, ya will be when the tide comes in."
 
Today's Short Reading From The Bible ...
A Reading from the Book of Genesis

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.

Then he made the earth round ... And he laughed and laughed and laughed.
 
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.
The second dog turned to him and asked, 'What are you in here for, buddy?'
The dog looked depressed.
'I'm in big trouble,' he said. 'My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep.'
'I know how you feel,' said the second dog. 'My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep too.'
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.
'So what are you here for?' they asked.
'Well', said the third dog, 'my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.'
The other dogs nodded in sympathy.
'So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?'
'No,' said the dog, 'I'm having my nails clipped.'
 
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbiwhen they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died ..."
 
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
 
Newfoundland story
Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Newfie says to the second,
"If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin',
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
 
An old man was walking down the street in Brooklyn.
He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast as possible.
The man walks up to the boy and says "You know son, it’s really not healthy to eat all that candy."
The kid looks up at him and says, "You know...my grandfather lived to be 97 years old."
The man replied "Oh....that sure is a long time...but did he eat a lot of candy?"
The kid looked at him and said "No...but he minded his own f---in' business."

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said "What can I get for just a rib?"

....The rest is history
 
NO Speak English

A Russian woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

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What were you Thinking?


Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

I worry about you Sometimes!
 
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