Friday Joke - August

AccountsReceivable@DRC

AccountsReceivable@DRC

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An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an
attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"

"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart. "It was easy," explained the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."


A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
 
David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex...

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone
else.
#03... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're
finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex......
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
 
Car Keys
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right.

The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,

confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

Yep, it's the golden years................
 
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
 
The effects of " I Love You"
There was a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked,
"How many of you love your husbands?"
All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked " when was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday and some didn't remember.
The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text:
"I love you, sweetheart"
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I Love you too
4. What now Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean
6. What did you do now?
7. ???
8. Don't beat around the bush just tell me how much you need
9. Am I dreaming???
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she?
 
For all of us in accounting out there...enjoy!

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary. "When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

A young accountant, straight out of college, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters." "OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?" "You can start on $75,000," says the owner. "$75,000!!! How can a business like this afford to pay so much?" "That," says the man, "is your first worry."

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500.""Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant. "Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits." "How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant. "That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts". The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies "To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
 
WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?
Ø
Just a bit of genealogy stuff to keep you laughing...
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep
N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
>
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout.
>
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
>
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with
them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
>
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they
produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.
> The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
>
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt, " you
can correct them.
>
> Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
 
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The blonde driver turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know right...and if I knew how to swim...I'd go out there and drown her."

There are 2 blondes, one on each side of the river. One blonde yells at the other blonde "hey...how do I get to the other side?" The other blonde yells back "Duh...you're already on the other side".
 
Psychology vs. Law
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:"I study law, and I know how to screw people."
 
Did you hear about the blind guy that went into the Hardware store ? He grabbed his dog by the leash and starting swinging him.

The Hardware store guy came up to him and asked him what the heck he was doing. Blind guy said he was just looking around.
 
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,

when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
Three cowboys of the world were sitting around a camp - talking about how tough they were. And the tales kept getting bigger and bigger. The cowboy from Australia said, "I wrestled a 200 pound crocodile and man... it cried like a baby." The Cowboy from Brazil shook his head and said, "I killed a 400 pound steer with my bare hands....and didn't break a sweat" The Cowboy from Texas just smiled...saying nothing...while stirring the campfire with his leg.
 
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