Friday Joke - June

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble. "I'd be happy to" said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What are you doing here?" he shouted…"I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did" said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World.

 

[Jennifer R]

I think this sweet joke would describe a dispatcher better than a blonde....bahahaha...just saying lol

 

[theman]

Blondes don't necessarily have to be women mind you.

 

[Freight Broker]

$100.00 wouldn't get you far at the zoo either.. she wouldn't have enough money left over for SeaWorld. Just sayin..

 

[Jennifer R]

It was cute all the same, and this dirty blonde can laugh along with the best of them...(probs cause I know its true lmao)

 

[sawgrass]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife .....

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ..."What the hell does that mean?"

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily. "Oh, that's so lovely..... but what about I, J, K?"

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"


The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctorare fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

He may be discharged next week.



Advice from An Old Farmer

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow aro...und the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.
Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

 

[Shakey]

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands beforehim a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week..

 

[sawgrass]

Best Dear John letter , ever

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa, recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home.

It read as follows:
Dear Mary,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
> Love,
> John


Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles,
cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note:
Dear John,
I'm so sorry, but I can't remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take care,
Mary



One day on Lucky Hole #13, Murph finally makes his first hole-in-one. Immediately, a leprechaun leaps into view and congratulates him. The leprechaun says, "For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish. The Irishman replies, "Can ye' make me pecker a wee bit longer? "Done" says the leprechaun. By the 14th hole the Murph can tell something is happening. By 15 it is noticeably different and beginning to strain his shorts. By 16 it is now becoming uncomfortable.


By 17 it now hangs just below the leg of his shorts. By 18 it is now dragging on the ground After completing his round the Irishman drags himself to the pro shop. He explains what has happened to the golf pro and asks what can be done. The golf pro tells him he must make another hole-in-one on 13 to get the leprechaun back.


The Irishman takes 2 buckets of range balls to 13 and begins hitting. After nearly both buckets are gone he finally makes another hole-in-one.


The leprechaun springs into view and congratulates him. The leprechaun says, "For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish."


The Irishman replies,

"Can ye' make me legs just a wee bit longer."

 

[lowmiler88]

 

[DIETCOKE]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'


'It depends,' I replied.'What does it say on your shirt?'


He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'



And they say blondes are dumb....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'


The woman replies, 'I'll miss you..... '.

---------- --------- -------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey,

what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'



'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.


------------ --------- --------- --------- ----



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?


A: A rumor


--------- --------- --------- ----


Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.



Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN


---- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --



Q: Why do little boys whine?


A: They are practicing to be men.


------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?


A: Trustworthy. .


------------ --------- --------- --------- ------


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?


A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


------------ --------- --------- --------- ---


Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?



A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..


------------ --------- --------- --------- ----


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?


A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'


------------ --------- --------- --------- -------


While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be

found in all corners of the world.........


......then He made the earth round.

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate I used. It's a family heirloom of mine...you don't suppose your Mom took it....do you????"

He replied "A plate??? I totally doubt it...but I'll email her and ask".

He sat down and typed :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house. And I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate...But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love
Your son

Several days later he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she had been sleeping in her OWN bed...she would have found the bloody silver plate by now...under her pillow.

Love
Mom

 

[ctsi]

An older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…”

 

[sawgrass]

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated nextto a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during thedescent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude,the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.


The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

 

[ctsi]

>> WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned?,

Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."




A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see

the sign? It says, 'Private property – Stay Out!'"


The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over

there. May I have it, please?"


The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."


The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand"


He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball,

then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.


The man says, "What did you do that for?"


The golfer replies..."I consider myself a Gentleman, and I

believe every prick should have two balls."