Friday Joke - August

[sawgrass]

An English tourist was driving through the South Island of Scotland when
he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a sheep.

A few kilometers further on he came upon a small town, so he parked his car
and went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a cold beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar.
He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table,
masturbating without a care in the world.

The English tourist turned to the bartender and said, "what sort of country
is this? A few kilometers back down the road there was this guy having sex
with a sheep and now that guy in the corner is furiously masturbating in
full view of everyone."

The bartender said,
"You heartless English bastard. He's only got one leg.

How do you expect him to catch sheep?"

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

The town council were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. "That might be a good draw" said one official. They all agreed and shortly after a famous hypnotist was hired - the publicity was distributed and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed. The town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting..."watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped....the watch fell to the floor...and smashed into pieces.

"SHIT!!!!!"....said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

 

[AccountsReceivable@DRC]

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".

"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up".

"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.

"Saint Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.

"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me."

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:

"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"

 

[ctsi]

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf at Oakwood, The club pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?
>>
>> "The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today.
>>
>> "The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five.
>>
>> "The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time.
>>
>> "The last old man said, "Best game in a long time. I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."
>>
>> After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game; what the hell's a ‘rider’?
>>
>> "The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get into the golf cart and ride to it."



Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too, shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy,

with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms.

They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.

They have a second home in Phoenix .


Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon.

Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.

They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .


Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ed.

They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables and marijuana.

Ed can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.


Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Walmart.

They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue , chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home.

They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary says the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

[bull958]

1. 
   Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery…………..
   
   
   Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail
   As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
   
   She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
   The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
   I will definitely win the election.
   
   Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
   I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
   
   Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
   
   Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
   Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
   The owner gives him another one.
   Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
   
   The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
   
   Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...